Day 4 – Post First Chemo

I’m constantly expecting. So many warnings about all the side effects that I will be facing that I’m just waiting. Expecting the worst. So far, I’ve felt unexpectedly tired and sensations of nausea too. In fact, I’m wanting to go off the remaining Rantadac tablet too. That’s just another two days though.. I am so conscious of any changes in my body when I can’t even wrap my head around all that goes on inside. Now, if I had studied biology, I could have been knowledgeable.

But heck, I studied Home Science, and didn’t even stick to it long enough to complete it! Ha

It’s scary. Just sitting at home and trying not to be worried about what’s coming for me from my blind side. Not working, not having something that uses my mind is only hurting me. Leaves me feeling agitated. It’s not like anything is in my control after all.

An hour ago, bhaiya took his third dose of pills in 24 hours. I haven’t seen it happen recently and it totally freaks me out. What is the goal here? I don’t understand. Should I be worried about all that is happening and work on correcting it? Is he depressed, and if yes, then I don’t know how to deal with it. He has so much going for him, why won’t he see that and run with it? Why be upset and limit yourself for reasons that I honestly don’t understand.. If I need help, I ask or I beg or I convince but I will take that help. It is about survival after all, right? Mebbe my understanding is not complete yet, but how to keep the worry at bay? As it is, I feel helpless w.r.t. my situation and then I stress about more. Hmmm

Stressed about salary too, need it every month. If I didn’t have responsibilities, who cares, but I do. I need to get out of home and into the office. It’s been months, no years, since I actually worked. I am amazed that Accenture pays for work of this calibre. Where is the standard that I worked towards for so many years.. Sometime in 2013, it all fell away. And with boss leaving Bangalore, sad… 😦

I’m gonna go and wipe down the tables and then hit the bed. Well, it’s something to do. Not that I’m tired, mind you, but it would take some time to get the rest I need, so here I go. Gudnite or Buenas Noches!

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